Whenever I used to go to the mall with my friends and we were walking through the perfume section, usually at the entrance of a department store, I would grab a bottle of the nearest women’s perfume and spray a large plume for them to walk into. If you are a man, smelling like a woman for a few hours really sucks; unless perhaps you are a cross dresser and then it’s all gravy. After they became keen and were watching for the plumes, I had to go to direct attacks. This actually worked better because they could not avoid a perfume plume sprayed at point blank range. Usually I could score two or three direct hits on their ass, neck, back, or shoulder before they scurried out of range. Two or three full squirts are enough to make you smell like a French whore.
As if this practical joke were not enough, I also used to wipe car air fresheners or potpourri across my friends’ body parts or clothing whenever an opportunity arose. The chemicals are so super concentrated in the car fresheners that they cling to you until you are able to wash them off. Perhaps because I was worried these fresheners contained harmful man made chemicals but most likely because I’m crazy, I recently switched to organic matter by smearing a friend’s face with freshly picked basil from my garden. I was able to score a direct hit right above his lip and because the smear was immediately under his nose, it smelled for quite sometime. Unfortunately, swept up in the moment and not thinking about the stain that I would leave, I also smeared a green streak down the side of his new gray t-shirt. That never would have happened with the car freshener. How do I have any friends left?